it might help to see the ocean.

everyone is scared.

Something I remembered...

Once a boy I liked dearly broke up with me because my blog sounded too "over-dramatic."
Get over it. And please don't leave me cause I talk funny. I'm just a silly girl.

What does it mean to breathe?

Home. But it isn't.

I find myself in an almost yellow room, I say "almost" because its not bright enough for yellow. Not hopeful, not friendly, or inviting. The opposite of the sun. Drab. Drab yellow. Almost an oxymoron, isn't it? I guess it's not really yellow anyway.

I got lost trying to find my way to my room last night. The lights were off and I was attempting to make my way to the bed [they told me was mine] without waking the family [I've been recently reunited with]. But they tell me this is home. I tripped on the stairs. I could not fall asleep last night despite being tired. Maybe it was the lack of my roommate, my girl, the one I already look forward to seeing again. I heard no breathing. I missed the coughing. She has TB, I'm sure of it. The bed is unlike all that I'm used to. Not like home. Not like school. Is school home? Feels more home than this--place.

Today I woke up to an almost empty house. Bird has driven back to Pennsylvania already to see the people she knows. She will pass by the house I call "home," and I only wish I could see it. And I wish I could touch those faces that I remember so clearly. The ones entitled "friends." But she has gone and I am here in an empty house I am lost in. I will return there soon. But first I must celebrate being a family. And celebrate Christmas. Traditions. Heather was at swim team. Laps and laps and laps. Its good for her. I lack dedication, self-discipline. I could never swim like she can. My dad was in his office typing. Typing typing typing. I didn't mind. Being by myself is quieter.

I enjoy the silence.

When they are home, there is none. I forgot that being part of a family meant feeling stressed all the time. I was looking forward to releasing all of the anxiety I had built up from school once I got here. But it will not happen. No, just add layers. Pyramid. Maybe it will reach a point. I hope I cry. I forgot what it was like to hear yelling and disrespect. I forgot what it was like to be noticed one minute and hated the next. I thought she would be better this time. I know she is trying. Maybe it will be all right. I just need to breathe. In, out, in, out. She did send me messages saying she missed me...and that she wanted her shoes back. I gave them back. Maybe one day she will love me.

Four days without a smoke. Today I caved in.

I also went to the library.

is a procrastinator.